Do People Ignore You? Reasons Why & What to Do

Scientifically reviewed by Viktor Sander B.Sc., B.A.

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When I was younger, I was often ignored.

Later in life, I started studying social interaction. This helped me figure out the reasons why people ignored me. Today, thousands of people take my courses on social skills.

Here’s what my journey taught me about being ignored:

By making small changes, you can make people notice you, respect you and want to talk to you. You don’t need to change who you are.

Sections

Reasons people may ignore you

1. You might be quiet or not know what to say

Here’s the problem with being quiet: People usually don’t understand that you’re quiet because you’re shy or don’t know what to say (or because you’re an overthinker, like me)

Instead, they think that you’re quiet because you don’t want to talk to them. So, they think they’ll do you a service by leaving you alone.

Here’s another issue: If people try talking to you but you only give short replies, you aren’t “rewarding them” for making an effort and talking to you. They might even feel rejected, and don’t want to try again.

SOLUTION:

If you know that you’re quiet, over-think situations, or are shy, I recommend that you work on your conversation skills or shyness FIRST. If you do, your problems with being ignored will likely self-solve.

I also recommend my guide on how to know what to say. You might also want to read my guide on how to stop being uncomfortable in social settings.

2. You might try too hard and come off as needy

This was one of the reasons people ignored me: I tried too hard to make friends, and people picked up on that. I’ve experienced this later in life from the other side: When someone seems too eager to talk to me, I just get a feeling that they are a bit desperate. That makes me less motivated to talk to them.

At the same time, you don’t want to be distant or not take the initiative to talk. So how do you take initiative without coming off as needy?

SOLUTION:

Continue to be proactive by taking the initiative and talking to people. Just stop rushing the process. You can see it as doing the same thing but dialing down the intensity a few notches. If you try to prove yourself through bragging or humblebragging, stop that. It has the opposite effect.

Instead of trying to convey all my personality the first day, I let it take weeks or months. Instead of forcing conversation, I made it when it felt natural. In other words, I “smeared out” my initiatives and inquiries with people over a longer time. It stopped making me seem needy, and people were more eager to talk to me.

Be proactive and social, but take your time doing it. Never look for approval. It’ll make you more attractive.

3. You might be waiting for people to acknowledge you first

This is another mistake I was guilty of:

Just because I often got ignored, I started waiting for people to acknowledge me first. This came out of insecurity: To avoid the risk of rejection, I wanted to wait for others to be nice to me first. Instead, people took me for being unfriendly and arrogant.

This is what I learned:

  1. Dare to greet people first
  2. Dare to be warm right off the bat (smile and ask friendly questions)
  3. If I was uncertain whether someone I met would remember me from last time, I dared to be warm and confident. “Hi! Good to see you again!”. (This has ALWAYS been appreciated and feels much better than ignoring them out of insecurity.)
  4. Being warm and friendly doesn’t mean being needy.

4. You might be bothersome or an oddball

One of the pillars of social skills is to build rapport. That is, being able to pick up on the situation and act in a way that’s appropriate. People who don’t build rapport tend to annoy those around them.

“But David, isn’t it fake to change depending on the situation?”

Being able to bring forth different aspects of who we are is a fundamental part of what it means to be human. You act in one way with your grandma and in another way with your friends, and that’s how it should be.

Personally, I think it’s beautiful and amazing that you can connect with people on a deep level by picking up on the mood and let out a part of your personality that matches.

Here are some examples of breaking rapport that can make people ignore you:

  1. Talking much more or much less than others
  2. Being way too high or low energy
  3. Talking about stuff others aren’t interested in
  4. Swearing heavily when no one else is
  5. Trying to be cool or aloof when others are being nice
  6. And so on…

The list goes on forever. We simply can’t memorize all these things, and it would be fake to have a list of ways to act. Instead, here’s how I think about rapport: Think about how someone is. In other words – how would you act if you wanted to imitate that person? Are they soft-spoken? calm? Intense?

We have a surprisingly good understanding of how someone is when we think about it, right? The next time you meet, bring forward the part of you that’s also soft-spoken, or calm, or intense. The wonder of being a human is that we have all these aspects inside of us. Rapport is about using them when it’s appropriate.

When you do, you’ll connect with people on a deeper level, and they’ll want to be around you more.

5. You might be negative or low-energy

Always being negative or low-energy is also a way of breaking rapport, but since it’s such a common reason for being ignored I want to bring it up specifically.

It’s OK to be negative or low energy at times, but don’t make it a habit.

Here are some examples of having a negative attitude:

  1. Not smiling or showing happiness
  2. Not being appreciative of your friends
  3. Being quiet and give one-word responses to questions
  4. Being overly cynical
  5. Arguing with someone who says something positive

Why is it so devastating to be low energy or negative? Because people will be affected by that energy. Since we humans want to avoid negative emotions, we avoid persons who emit them.

This isn’t about being annoyingly positive or overly high-energy. It’s about being able to pick up on the energy-level and positivity-level of others and be in the same ballpark.

6. You might look tense

This as well is a mistake I did. I couldn’t understand why people approached and talked to my friends but not me. It took me years to find out that whenever I got uncomfortable, I got a stern look on my face that signaled “Don’t talk to me”.

You can make a reality check: Ask your friends if you look angry or stern when you’re in a social setting. If you do, remind yourself to relax your face and practice daring to greet people with a smile instead.

7. You might come off as weird

Another mistake I did was trying to be unique by having odd humor that people didn’t get. (They didn’t know if I was joking or not, which made them uncomfortable).

Being weird is a big topic, and I recommend you to read my guide here: “Why am I so weird?

8. You might talk too much or only ask questions

Both talking too much and asking too many questions about the other person gets old quickly. We want to find a balance between asking sincere questions and also sharing bits and pieces about our own lives.

I’ve written about how to balance your conversations here: The IFR method

“David, why don’t people just tell me that they don’t want to hang out rather than ignoring me?”

This is the harsh reality of life:

People aren’t obligated to help you out socially. You need to figure out the social code yourself. The good news is that when you do, you’ll get rewarded with a rich social life.

Being ignored in groups

“I talk to someone and then a third person comes and only they start talking”

“People look at my friends when they talk but not me”

“I start talking but then someone starts talking over me”

All these things are super painful when they happen, but they don’t have to be personal. The same things happened to me, but when I made some adjustments to how I acted in groups, I stopped being ignored.

1. You might be too quiet and take up too little space

Whenever I’m in a group with someone quiet, I’m thinking “That person probably doesn’t want to talk”. So, I don’t bother them. After a while, I usually forget about the person because the people who are active in the conversation take my attention.

As you see, it’s nothing personal against the quiet person – it’s just that if you want to be noticed in a group, you need to take up more space:

  1. Talk louder
  2. Practice knowing what to say

2. You might forget to make eye contact when you’re about to start talking

I was puzzled that when I started talking in groups, someone could speak over me. Then, I realized that when I spoke too quietly (like I talked about in the last step) or when I looked down or away.

If you start talking and looking away, it’s like you say something in passing. If you want to create the feeling that you’re about to tell a story you have to keep eye contact from start. When you have eye contact with someone, it’s almost impossible for them to start talking about something else.

3. You might not show enough interest

Another common mistake: Feeling left out of the group conversation, zoning out, and looking unengaged. People will subconsciously feel like you’re not part of the conversation anymore (even if you’re physically still there) and they’ll ignore you.

The trick is to look engaged even when you’re just listening:

  1. Make constant eye contact with the speaker.
  2. REACT: Humm, say “wow/interesting/ah” whenever it fits.
  3. Ask follow-up questions.

Here’s my guide for how to SHOW that you listen. When you show that you’re engaged and attentive, you’ll notice how the speaker starts directing their story toward YOU.

4. You might have a closed-off body language

This is especially common if you a) get shy or anxious in groups or b) worry that people won’t like you, so you play it safe and are more distant. Unfortunately, this backfires. No one wants to interact with someone who looks unapproachable.

You need to keep an open body-language and look friendly. This can be hard, especially if you’re nervous. But the good news is that you can fake it until you make it. Practice looking approachable in the mirror. Use that look consciously when you know that you might look closed off.

5. You might be misjudging the situation

I often obsessed over not being included in the group and being left out. There was this super social popular guy I knew, and one day I decided to analyze him in social settings.

To my surprise, he sat silent for long periods of time without being spoken to. (It’s just that he wasn’t bothered by it.) When I paid attention to it, people regularly got left out conversations for a long time. It’s just that I hadn’t noticed because I was busy worrying about me.

Make a reality-check and pay attention to how others are treated in groups. Sometimes, it could be in your head that you’re more ignored than others.

Being ignored by friends

Do you meet people who are friendly at first but then seem to lose interest after a while? Perhaps you hang out for weeks or months, and then they stop returning your calls or are always “busy”. If you can relate to this, the issues are quite different from being ignored in early interaction like I’ve talked about so far.

Often, it’s because we do something that takes rather than gives the friend energy.

Here are some reasons you might be ignored by friends:

  • You might be too negative
  • You might be too high- or low energy compared to your friend
  • You might talk too much about yourself
  • You might talk about things your friend isn’t interested in

This is a broad subject. I’d recommend you to read my article here on why people stop keeping in touch after a while.

Being ignored on text/chat/online

“Why do people ignore me when I text them?”

“I see that people read my message but then they don’t reply”

This really sucks, and there can be several explanations. For example, if people ignore you online AND in other situations you first of all want to look at the general reasons that I started off this article with.

Here are some reasons specifically for being ignored online:

1. You try to make small talk when people tend to communicate in a different way online

In real life, we can make small talk just to kill awkward silence. Online, people often expect more of a reason to talk: To plan something, to share something, and so on.

On text, don’t just write “What’s up?”. I personally don’t even respond to that because I wait for the person who texted to tell me what they want. To not be ignored online, have a reason for contacting people, like…

“Hey, do you happen to have a copy of the exam questions?”

With almost all of my friends, I only communicate to 1) discuss something specific, 2) send easy-to-consume memes, 3) link to something we know that the other person really likes or 4) plan for meeting up.

If someone tried to make small talk with me online, I would be puzzled.

2. People might be busy and down-prioritize answering online messages

I used to feel terrible when people didn’t respond. Then, as my life got busier, I started doing the same thing without having any bad feelings about the person. If you send a normal, legitimate question like something I mentioned above, wait for 2 days, then send a reminder.

If people, as a pattern don’t reply after that, you want to look at the general reasons why people might ignore you, at the beginning of this article.

In this article I give more specific advice on how to start a conversation online. And in this article we talk about how to make friends online.

Being ignored at a new job/school/place

Here are some reasons for being ignored at a new job, school, or place:

1. People mainly hang out with those they are most comfortable around

When people have around 3 or more close friends, they are often less motivated to socialize (because they have their social needs covered). These people aren’t going to actively try to socialize with you. It’s nothing personal: When you have your social needs fulfilled, you’re going to be as content as they are.

This means that we can’t keep score of who takes initiative first. You have to take initiative again and again if you’re around people who already have their social needs met. It’s important to do this in a non-needy way as I talked about by the beginning of the article.

2. You haven’t built up your friendships yet through mutual interests

Most friendships are based on mutual interests. It almost never works to make close friends with people you have nothing in common with. If you’re new somewhere, seek out groups of people who share your interests. You can then use that interest as a reason for keeping in touch with them.

“Hi Amanda, how’s your photography project going? I just took some long-exposure photos in the park yesterday.” works infinitely better than out of nowhere saying “Hi, want to meet up after work?”

If you try to make friends with people you have nothing in common with, you have a higher risk of being ignored.

3. You haven’t had the time to develop close friendships yet

It takes time to make friends, and that can be stressful. I remember panicking when I was new in class: I thought that if people saw me by myself, they would think I was a loser. That made me try to push my way into the social circle which came off as needy.

Later, I learned this from a socially savvy friend: It’s OK to be by yourself, and if you look like you enjoy it, people won’t see it as a bad thing. They’ll just think you’re an introvert who prefers some time by yourself.

So instead of trying to push yourself onto others, learn to enjoy being by yourself occasionally. If you have an open body language and a warm, relaxed face, you don’t come off as the loser, but as the chill person who’s decided to have some alone time.

Feeling ignored and having social anxiety

If you come off as very nervous or insecure, that can make people less motivated to interact with you. Why? Because when you feel awkward, they feel awkward, and we humans want to avoid negative feelings.

If you have social anxiety or shyness, put all your effort into working on that, first! When you’re able to be a bit more relaxed meeting with people, the problem of being ignored will probably self-solve!

Here’s my guide on how to not get nervous around people.

Feeling ignored and having depression

It’s especially common to feel ignored when you’re having depression. Now, it could obviously be for any of the reasons I’ve covered so far. But when we feel depressed, some additional things happen in our brain that can distort reality.

1. A depressed mind has a harder time seeing things from others’ perspective

When we have depression, studies show that our brain is worse at seeing things from others’ perspectives.

If we’re in a good mood and don’t get a response on a text, we probably just assume the person is busy. In a depressed state, it might be proof that we’re worthless to others.

Consciously remind yourself that when you’re depressed, your brain is tricking you. Ask yourself: How would a happy person think about this situation? I’m not saying this that mindset will help your depression, but it will help you get a more realistic view of the situation.

2. If you’re depressed, people will probably mistake you for not liking them

Several times in my life I’ve come across people who seemed really unfriendly and cold. Later, I learned that they were depressed and felt lonely.

If you behave coldly toward others, they will often assume that you are unfriendly and don’t like them.

Don’t wait for people to come to you when you’re depressed. Let your friends know that you appreciate them and like them. Tell them that you are going through tough times and any bad mood is because of that, NOT because of them.

3. Seek professional support from a therapist

Depression is not easy to deal with by yourself, for some people it may be impossible. Consult your doctor and consider looking for a therapist.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and is much cheaper than going to an actual therapist's office. They are also cheaper than Talkspace for what you get. You can learn more about BetterHelp here.

“I think I wouldn’t be ignored if I was more good-looking”

I often thought that I was ignored because I had a big nose. It couldn’t be further from the truth: Sometimes our looks become an excuse instead of dealing with the actual causes. (Causes I’ve described in this article).

Read my article here on looks and social life for a look into how looks affect our social life.

Go to Comments (43)

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  1. From what I’ve read of this article (couldn’t get myself to read it all the way through) this is basically just a glorification of extraversion telling us introverts to change our natural behavior. The thing is: since introversion exists it is beneficial in some way to the survival of the individuals who bear the trait. An example of this would be that you’re less likely to get into a car accident since you leave the house less as an introvert.
    So, no. Introverts shouldn’t change their behaviors to match those of extraverts as there’s a reason why you are the way you are.

    Reply
  2. I recently went on a trip with someone who is outgoing. I am more of an introvert. No matter where we went people spoke to him and not to me. In restaurants they asked him if he wanted something else and didn’t ask me. In airports, they carried his luggage and I was left to fend for myself. He noticed the unfairness of the treatment. I felt horrible. I felt invisible. I thought it was unfair because I am a paying customer and all should be treated the same. Even when I speak I am not heard. The other person, of course, has an interesting job and people are amazed and interested. But trying to be someone I am not is very stressful. Where should I start?

    Reply
    • Sorry if the article came across that way Dennis. You are okay as you are and you 100% deserve close and loving friends. I understand it can be a very tough read – and remember that most points here probably don’t apply to you – we’ve only tried to list common reasons why people might ignore someone – but it’s impossible to explain the exact reason for any single individual. And just like some commenters have said, often it’s not even about you, it’s just that you might be surrounded by bad friends who don’t treat you well.

      Reply
  3. The most comprehensive, educative and non judgmental article I have ever read on social anxiety/connections. I feel heard.

    Reply
  4. Reading through all of it, it just reiterates what I already feel – there’s something inherently and unchangeably wrong with me.

    I am who I am, I have positive characteristics, but I am socially invisible.

    It happens in EVERY social situation – leading me to be more withdrawn when it occurs.

    I have learned to just stay away from social interaction because there is no way that it will change.

    Reply
    • I understand this more than u know. I was confused, then frustrated, now Im just numb to it. Guess this is how my life is supposed to be.

      Reply
  5. There is a lot to unpack here but you for got a couple of integral ones:

    1. Your friends are horrible.
    2. Your friends, for zero reason at all relating to you, may just not like you but may be keeping you around to avoid having to say that

    Reply
  6. I have this group of friends that I’ve known for 20 years. I am the hot headed one but i only get angry at close people if they don’t understand me. However no one seems to care about this. They have grown to ignore me during my outbursts and i just feel that they don’t even care to understand. I have learnt to ignore things myself but the thing is when i ignore it means im toning down my level of care and i really feel that this is all getting more and more distant. One friend is the centre of the group and always is. I seem to get ignored most of the times in group chats especially when i arrange a meeting. But when she arranges, everyone appears. I recently came to know they even have a separate group chat where they will wine and dine, despite the fact that whenever i bring my overseas wine they do not touch it or say they don’t drink it. I can only make myself distant to not get angry at something i have no control over.
    It just feels like i enjoy their company but it’s not mutual.
    And at this age it’s even harder to make friends because i am someone who prefer deep connections and this age everyone is all about frivolous or surface relationships. Everyone seems closed off and no one spends the effort to understand a person

    Reply
  7. Ok, now do one for neurodivergent people maybe. I understand the words here, but don’t understand what a lot of this looks like in practice, and I think I’m isolated partially because of that.

    Reply
  8. Apparently making friends with modern people is about the same as trying to get a date with modern women. ‘Everything has to be just perfect, or you LOSE and it’s entirely YOUR FAULT.’ Seriously, no one should need a book on how to relate to other humans. Being friends should not feel like you’re on a job interview with a bored overprivileged boomer that the company refuses to fire. Same goes for dating. Relationships are something that should come naturally.

    I know this goes against everything you’ve ever been taught about how to relate to others but maybe, just maybe, it really ISN’T YOUR FAULT. Maybe it truly is everyone else’s fault. I have noticed that most people these days are terminally shallow surface-dwellers and are only interested in the most mundane activities, like watching sports and drinking beer, and are typically narcissistic, even to the point of it being a personality disorder. Maybe you are one of the few remaining people who are normal and just trying to have normal relationships with others, and not trying to ‘get something’ out of them, other than just their friendship, which is really all a friend should be expecting anyway.

    I say this because when I moved to another state, I suddenly noticed that my new friends were actually returning my phone calls, and it wasn’t just so I could give them a ride somewhere or let them use my medical weed card. They actually wanted to be friends and enjoy the whole human experience. They weren’t expecting me to ‘carry the conversation’ or ‘have perfect energy’ or any other nonsensical crap. They actually just wanted to be friends.

    So if you’re having trouble making friends, you might consider your geography first.

    Reply
    • This is the best response . I totally agree, Im actually tired of every blog/article telling me whats wrong with me and what I need to change to be tolerable. I just want to connect with people without them interviewing me and trying to figure out what they can use me for.

      Reply
  9. What bugs me about article like this is they always make you, the person having the difficulty, into the perpetrator and the people who are rejecting/misjudging you as the standard-setters. Might it not be more accurate to say that both they and you suck mutually?

    Reply
  10. People don’t choose to be depressed or have anxiety disorders. I’m not going to change and mold myself to fit other people’s standards of what is deemed “acceptable” in social situations. If you choose to ignore someone without giving them a reason, just say that you’re a coward, immature and bad at communicating because that’s what you are. People deserve respect by default. Respect can be taken away easily if mistreated. Terrible article, honestly.

    Reply
  11. Yep, I think so too. And all these excuses are made for jerks to justify their arrogant behavior. Everybody deserves respect unless they are being disrespectful. Nobody should think that they are the problem, when being ignored or interrupted, because no normal and mentally mature human being would do it to somebody else just because they perceive them as “weird”or an “oddball”. I’d rather be with a couple of people who accept me as I am, then be surrounded by *ouchebags whose “precious” attention and respect I must “deserve”.

    Reply
  12. 38 used to have friends now everyone ignores me at work and at volunteer group. Feel like getting a new job a new volunteering because I’m being ignored. Alone all the time hate it sometimes and like it other times. Did not choose to be single or have no friends. Try really hard to fit in and date. Still get ignored.x

    Reply
  13. I reached out to a lady friend, well I thought she was one. I sent her some great songs by text she might like, I gave a a spiritual plaque when she lost a family member. I took her food. The last time I saw her she practically ignored me. She goes out to lunch with another lady but never asks me. I’m just hurt, I’m done with being the one that reaches out.

    Reply
  14. I think it is better be friends with myself only after all, and get used to being alone for life.

    People around me are all FAKE and shallow. I’m sick of trying to fit in, only to get ignored after. It happens everywhere I go wherever it’s at school and work. It’s like I have some kind of curse that repels people away.

    Reply
    • That sounds like me some years back. But I came to the realization that those with a wider social circle don’t really do the friendship thing. The problem of being ignored most of the time arises from the mindset one carries. For example, you met someone new, the mindset should not be seen as an opportunity to make a new friend. If that’s the mindset you’d probably come off as needy. The only thing there to do is to be WARM in your interaction. If the conversation gets deep similarities to begin to build and you may become fond of each other. That is how we make friends.
      Similar too is how we interact with ladies. You don’t see talking to an attractive girl as an opportunity to date a beautiful girl. If so, then I won’t just happen
      Note: having friend sometimes require one person to make the move. When others make the move and you’re okay with them, try to be warm when interacting with them. And If you are the person who would like to have a particular individual as a friend. Make your move and show interest.
      Hope this helps

      Reply
  15. People that ignore people should be knocked out, not innocent little quiet kids. Whens someone going to study why sociability allows highly destructive hazeing tactics to be so acceptable while being quiet terrifies people? Who’s gonna sue the counselors for my entire lifes asking how to find friends not bullies and them ignoreing me? Today my counselor will still have no response except to say i should act like a bully. If thats all there is, ive heard it all my life, and if im going to act that way its gonna be at for and about this sick halfassed twisted biased kid killing old lady worshipping ideology being sold as THE ONE AND ONLY HAPPINESS.

    Reply
  16. If McDonalds, soup kitchens, and creepy christians didnt exist, i would be starved to death by peoples choice to idolize the sociable alpha male type behaviour, and i have no respect for any person besides the half dead train kids and the cliques of the real slaves, they can dominate all day and i will never despise them like i do all the people that are so highly esteemed by the slave owners. Those people are a cash cow just like me and the slaves and the cows, but they work for it like if you look at the sky you won’t trip, but i know that is just a dangerous way to walk, at my place there are endless stumps and so my friends disappeared finally after i put up a no drinking sign, and explained that they obviously would rather talk than pull stumps out with me..

    Reply
  17. Thanks for the comprehensive, useful and practical review about causes and solutions of being ignored, it is really a vital topic and it is the core of too many complex social issues.
    On this essay you have focused on the object being ignored and his/her attitude that have caused ignorance, on my own point of view for this topic to be complete it is better to add another essay about the subjective causes of ignorance behaviour in details which is related to the subject who is ignoring other; general situation affect his/her attitude, specific reasons that from their view deserved punishment/blame to the object of ignorance and factors related to pathology in personality of both ; being true narcissist enjoying hurting other, sadist masochist type of relations and the factors that keep the party whome is ignored/silently treated in this abnormal relation eg; learned helplessness. I hope my note was benegicial.Thanks for sharing knowledge and experience.
    Kind regards.

    Reply
  18. I’m confused. I think my problem is I’m too needy and desperate for freinds. The only problem is when I ease off I get forgotten and nobody reaches out to me. I feel unlikable, unworthy and defective. The only friendships I ever have are one sided. I’m tired of being the disposable freind playing second fiddle. All 20 years of my life it’s been this way. What is wrong with me?

    Reply
    • Nothing is wrong with you, JJ! I try to do the right things, I try to get along with everyone. People tell me how sweet I am, how fun I am. People invite me to spend time with them. I’m authentic, I’m real. I can’t understand why I have no friends. I can’t understand why my own family only contacts me when they need something, & they’re very nice to me & thankful & the moment they don’t need whatever they needed me for, needed from me, I’m shunned. I can’t understand. I’ve asked, nonconfrontational, with kindness, compassion, because I can’t know what they may be going through (as I’ve heard people complain about their spouse because they expected them to know what to say or do in certain situations, without having to be asked or told & the spouse can’t read their minds, but, for some reason, they expected them to know, because they were their spouse. It was puzzling, because they had no problem telling or asking me) & I’m sorry that I can’t help you. Relationships are hard work, for everyone involved. Nobody in my family wants to even try to get along with each other. I can’t understand this. I can’t understand why someone would not be interested in making new friends when they already have 3 friends. Quality is more important than quantity, but if the person limits themselves to 3 friends, (which may be all they have time for, but it doesn’t take much to keep in contact, even every once in awhile, to send a ‘thinking of you’ note without any expectations) I wonder, what if something happens to one of the 3? Move away, change in situation, death. It’s not easy to make new friends. Or, maybe it’s easy for some people to make new friends, but it’s not easy to maintain a lot of quality friendships. Maybe you already know the answer to your question, as you said that you thought it could be that you’re too needy. I can only imagine that if you think this, you must have a reason that’s obvious to you, & if it’s obvious to you, it’s likely even more obvious to others. Maybe think about what it is that caused you to realize this, & then, think about how you might appear from the other person’s point of view. It’s not always easy, because you’re not that other person. But, an interesting way to do it is to think about it as if you aren’t you. I’m unsure if I’m able to explain it right, but try to think about seeing someone who is going through similar things & they aren’t you, it’s a complete stranger, imagine their feelings about themselves based on how their lives have been. It’s an eye-opening & helpful experience. What had that person gone through in their lives already? Are they responsible for how they were treated or for whatever they experienced because of the problems that other people had? Is that person worthless & unlovable because of what they’ve been through? Try to see this stranger & how it must’ve been like for them to experience what they had, & think about maybe that’s why they feel so badly about themselves. Do they really deserve to feel bad about themselves because of the actions of others, how they were treated when they were too young to understand. Maybe the feelings about themselves have been all they could know at that age. What would you, now, say to that younger person?

      Reply
    • Nothings wrong with you. Unfortunately most people live in a social environment that’s distracted by competing pressures; phone messages, emails, tv, work commitments, family priorities etc. This quiet period in your life may be a blessing because there’s an opportunity to get to know yourself and find peace and happiness within you. People will come into your life one way or another.

      Reply
  19. I was raised by very intense, negative people with poor communication and social skills. I modeled what I saw at home : cutting people off, pedantic schooling everyone, generally being on a soapbox and constantly analyzing society. I didnt smile, asked people for rides and favors, and just thought that’s how friendship is because that’s how I was taught.
    I’ve become aware of all of this, taken courses on communication and social dynamics, and am constantly improving in these things.
    But up until now, I still feel like nobody likes me. People don’t reach out to me first or invite me anywhere, and I feel like I’m just nagging people to be my friend. I’m generous and often pick up the tab or invite people to my house, but they still don’t come back. And in relationships, the other person usually starts distancing herself from me and getting busy.
    People act happy to see me when I run into them out and about, but then ignore me. I’m starting to feel discouraged and I’m very lonely.

    Reply
    • This sounds too familiar…
      These people may just have you in their minor friend list.
      People who don’t have you in their Real Friend List aren’t real friends.
      You will hopefully get better in the future though! We all will.

      Reply
  20. Thankyou for taking the time to put this together! I was able to get a better understanding of my problem and how to improve it and feel very relieved.

    Reply
    • That’s so good to hear, Gabriel. Can you tell me a little bit about your problem and how you understood it better? I’m sure your experience could be very useful to other readers in similar situations.

      Reply
  21. That was a really good article and it helps a lot. I was going back to every haunting awkward social moment I could recall haha. I may be an adult but this is still sometimes, a thing, with me. I couldn’t seem to force confidence so I ought to build it for real by learning a little more from the outside. Thanks for sharing this!

    Reply
  22. I’ve give up I’ll never be enough for people. I’m just not a likeable person I have to accept that and just stay to myself forever.

    Reply
    • Jalisa, it sounds like you are stuck with some very demanding people. Have you considered if your family or friend group doesn’t value you?

      I believe everyone is worthy of love and respect, sometimes it just takes more work.

      Reply
    • Seems like a impossible number of trivial rules to remember for me, if people need people to act like they remember every way to get people to like them every time, they are really gonna be disapointed to hear that some people, actually, have brain damage, and besides dont care if everyone likes them. Dont forget not to care though huh

      Reply
    • Hi Debbie, you’ve been subscribed to us for around 3 years already. So you’ve already received most of the free training, but a long time ago. However, you can always subscribe with a new email if you want it again, there are quite a few updates since you joined. 🙂

      Reply

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